---- The Question: ----
Couple of months...in love, completely. But outside of our love there are complicating circumstances. For one she is married. Unhappily..I mean the guy is absolutely no good as a husband, father.....yes she has 2 beautiful little girls who mean the world to her...and he's not a real father to them. We have to keep our relationship quiet and for good reason. She has a job-and that's to be a single parent in the house. He's just so terrible I won't spend my time on him in this anymore but.....they haven't had contact physically ( none) in 8+years and since we got together not even eating or sleeping next to him...but even before that barely any, he barks not talks....I know I said I wouldn't but....He is mean and separates himself from everything a family is about and well there's more but that's the jist. She has stayed because of the children, she has brought them up in this situation so they could at least have a man (which he is not, the guy complains that he feels like he's 90...his potentially destructive power is not physical though ) around. So we fell in love, now we know each other, and the more we know the more we long to be together because we know that's how it should be. But...well...her sister disapproves of her falling in love, questions her as a mother (which believe me she has no room to talk) (and by the way the woman I love is a wonderful mom), and even goes to thier mother and talks to her ultimately causing an argument between my love and her mom-(who knows of the divorce which is being set up). My love-she feels she is being pulled in all directions (including by me, to start a life together as a family-I will love the girls, how can I not-they make her happy) and says to me she doesn't know what's going to happen. She saw a lawyer who told her it is possible to divorce in 6 months if things go smoothly and there can be joint custody, and she should try to get him out of the house. I feel so terrible that my lover, my friend, my future wife, is emotionally drained. She will not stand for the loss of her children to a man who is crazy and who's whole family is crazy-where they would not be looked after correctly. I know this, what I want to know is....one-how can I encourage and help her with these hard times?, she is being pulled and I don't want that- I want her to be happy, two- if you have ever been even close to what we are going through and came out happily joined how did you do it and what happened? umm..three-what can we do about her mom and sister pulling her back to stay because of the children...her biggest fear is losing them which she can't do. The guy is crazy and she says she knows how to deal with him but when she told him about the divorce he acted like it never happened and started sucking up to her almost mockingly....how can we get rid of him? And any other solutions (please no break up solutions) to the situations would be greatly appreciated. The lawyer said that the divorce could be what we hope for-she has grounds-probable custody-and she has a big reason to go through with it as long as she/we get the girls. What can I do and say to be strong while she makes her moves? All we want is to be together-all of us.It's hard to understand and I don't expect you to. She lives with him and all I know is what she tells me-but I believe her. And the children are his....and I wouldn't put him down in front of them. I know we can't be found out. Her sis found out and caused many problems...we text/call and barely get to see each other even though it's summer. But I forget all that completely when I'm with her. Yeah the thing is she has to get him out "nicely" and play this game (she hated these kind of games) and hope that it will work.
---- My Answer: ----
First, I am sorry to hear about your girl friend's unhappy marriage and your frustration with the situation. But sadly divorce is too often used as the easy but wrong answer for marital unhappiness.
I know what this is all about having lived through a frighteningly similar experience myself, the only significant difference being there were four daughters involved in my case.
You will not be liking what I am about to tell you. But, in a nutshell, you have become a major part of this families' problems.
Instead of this woman making the emotionally healthy choice to seek couples counseling to find out what is troubling her husband and her marriage, she is secretly plotting to end it. Even if her husband has done something unforgivable and she is committed to divorcing him, you are still part of the problem, because by being in her life you are clouding her judgment, giving her an illusion that by divorcing him and marrying you, she and her kids will somehow be happier. The reality is, their future with you is absolutely unknown, because you can't even begin to control all the dynamics of the situation. You are almost completely powerless over most aspects of what would happen if you both begin to travel down that road.
When this woman married her “Mr Wrong” and had two children with him, don't you think that both she and he were in love then? Do you fully accept her one-sided story of the history of their relationship and how terrible and evil her current husband is? Why? Are you not at all skeptical about what her part in it was? Do you have no empathy whatsoever for the husband, or the children whose family you are hoping to break up? Do you seriously believe that it couldn't happen again with you? Do you understand that if there is one truism about human behavior, it is that without counseling people inevitably find themselves stuck repeating unhealthy behaviors over and over again?
I know you love her and she is in love with you. But you do realize that this feeling is not going to last, especially down the road you're contemplating traveling, with all the responsibilities you are about to shoulder. It seems thrilling and challenging at first, but I can assure you, 5 and 10 years down the road, when you feel the ingratitude of her children after pouring your life energy into raising them and helping them, believe me the thrill will be gone.
The worst part about all this is what this says about your own emotional health. Do you believe she and her daughters are somehow victims in all this? Do you fancy yourself their rescuer, their night in shining armor, who will slay the evil beast and take them you your castle to live happily ever after? Sorry for the sarcasm here, but I need to make the most serious of all my points in this bit of advice to you. If you are entertaining these ideas even a little, you have a serious Codependency problem. If you play the rescuer in the Victim Triangle, very soon you will find yourself re-cast in the Persecutor's role. For more information about how this works see www.Mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm
In the end, you will be miserable, angry and resentful for sacrificing yourself and a better possible future to rescue her and her kids. You will pour out your life's energy trying to make the impossible work. Her kids will silently blame you for breaking up their marriage. There is almost no way to avoid this, even if it is not true, and even if it is for their own good in the long run.
My parting advice for you is simple. (1) Break off this affair at once. Wish your girl friend well, but it is her marriage and her family. Let her sort things out without your influence. Perhaps she and he can get counseling and repair and reinvigorate their marriage. If she divorces it shouldn't be because you are waiting in the wings. If she calls you every night for 3 months after the breakup don't talk to her. You are no match for her verbal and manipulative abilities. She will reel you back in if you give her a chance. (2) Find a counselor or psychologist as soon as possible to deal with your Codependency issues, or find a CODA twelve-step program and start attending weekly. I know it is going to hurt like hell to break up with her, but you need to for everyone's sake. Never forget that there are plenty of opportunities for you now and in the future that do not require you to sacrifice yourself and be responsible for the destruction of someone else's marriage. Why would you want to go through the rest of your life with that on your conscience?
[Original Post: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090701170314AAZAcWI ]
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