A Daughter Loses Her Father to an Untimely Death

Helping another with grieving is some of the hardest work in counseling, because you cannot do it effectively without empathizing and truly feeling the loss of the person you are trying to help. When I wrote the response to the following question, my eyes actually welled up with tears, because I needed to draw on my own experiences of loss to convey an authentic sense of empathy. And for me, I have more than my share of loss to draw upon. Still, I cherish the opportunity to offer comfort to another person going through pain.

---- The Question: ----

I lost my dad a month ago, Im the youngest and the only daughter & I miss him so much. I am still shocked of his untimely death. I'm working abroad and it hurts me so much bec. I was not at his side during his last hours. Is there a way I can communicate with him? I dreamed of my dad only once.

---- My Answer: ----

First of all, so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a father is so hard for a daughter because fathers and daughters have a special bond that really can't be put in words. Its a bond formed of sharing and joining in childhood memories, mutual admiration, of loving and protective feelings. and ultimately of giving and receiving freedom.

Loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things to grieve through. The process is different for each person, but the important thing is to actually DO the grieving. Human beings must process loss, and significant emotional problems arise if this not done.

Take a look at yourself and try to get a sense of where you are in the grieving process. The generally accepted phases are: denial/disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Seems like you may actually still be primarily in the first stage, denial and/or disbelief of his passing. Or perhaps bargaining, since you say that you're looking for a way to communicate with him.

Death will come to everyone alive today, eventually. It is sad to lose people we love, and debate will rage on in perpetuity about questions of spirits, life after death, and the like. But what remains after all this is burned away is the loss. You need to accept the loss, cry with your family members or close friends over it, and let the pain and anguish of that loss roll through you like a big wave. Eventually, the pain will recede, and you will be left with your fond memories of him and some solace that you were a very big part of the joy he had during his time on earth, just as he was for you.

I wish there was a short cut to the grieving process, but so far I haven't heard on one yet. At its core, life is mostly about the welcoming of new people into our lives and saying good-bye to those who must separate from us. Being able to come to terms with this and be at peace with such a fundamental process is one of the keys to peace and wisdom in life.

Source(s):

Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief

[ Original Post: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090628062540AArUAe7 ]

I'm Not Angry, Really I'm Not!

Family dynamics are very complex. When a family member does something wrong, there may be pressure to forgive coming from others without any effort to understand and acknowledge the pain that was caused. This is a recipe for depression or smoldering resentment.

---- The Question: ----

How to make anger come back? I used to be an angry person because of my father, I forgave him and now I don't feel myself, does anybody know how to make anger and the unforgiveness back in my heart , I WANT IT BACK, I DONT FEEL MYSELF WITHOUT ANGER

---- My Answer: ----

A little more background would be helpful, but I'll try to imagine the back-story here. Tell me if I'm close or not.

Your dad did something to you or another family member that was terrible, hurtful, selfish, or uncaring. This hurt you for years but eventually someone came to you (perhaps a religious person) who told you that it was your duty to forgive him. They convinced you and so you publicly forgave him, but deep inside your heart you are still hurt.

Remember that anger is a "cover" emotion. It covers deeper feelings of hurt feelings, fear, grief, trauma, loss, and abandonment.

Perhaps you were talked in to forgiving your dad "for the sake of the family". So you did it to make everyone else happy. What does that say about how your family values you and your feelings? Is it OK for other people to deny your reality and tell you that "you should not be angry anymore?" From your description you sound like you have mild depression based on the fact that you've had to deny your real feelings about your father to get along with the rest of your family.

What you need to do is find a counselor or psychologist and talk about your history. You need to at least find someone impartial who can validate and accept your true feelings. If at some point in the future you decide that you really do want to forgive your father, it should be fully your decision and not something you were pushed into.

A good book on this topic is: The Angry Book, by Theodore Rubin, M.D.

---- Questioner's Follow-up Comment: ----

yes wat u said wuz so true i wuz forced into forgiving him and i wasnt ready , maybe i will get counciling and maybe they will make me feel like my normal angry self

[Original Post: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090627081704AA4XyLZ]

Fear Behind the Wheel

Irrational fear can be devastating and life-altering if left unaddressed. We've all heard stories of people afraid to leave their homes, afraid to get on planes, even afraid to let other people come near them.

Its not uncommon for us to occasionally have irrational fears around things we once found ordinary. Fortunately this is one of the more easily treatable syndromes. But it is important to do the work early. People have a tendancy to reiforce and fortify their arguments against those around them that try to pursuade them that "its all in their head".

---- The Question: ----

How can i get over the fear of being hit by a drunk driver when i'm driving?

---- My Answer: ----

Fear is a natural self-protective emotion that keeps us safe from dangerous situations. Fear of heights keeps you from casually walking along edges of cliffs. Fear of spiders and snakes keeps you from putting yourself in harms way by sticking your hand in dark holes you can't see into.

Fear is also based on past experience. If you were in the past hit by or lost a loved one to a drunk driver, then it is perfectly understandable that you may have developed the kind of fear you are describing, and dread of being back in a vulnerable position behind the wheel on the road.

The best way to overcome fear based on past experience is to 1) finish your grief work around the trauma in the past, and 2) educate yourself about the true statistics and chances of this kind of event happening again.

Once you have cried over, and ultimately accepted the awful truth of the terrible events you experienced around this from your own past, you can look more rationally at the chances of such a thing happening again. In the end, you will probably come to the conclusion that life is a gift, and to fully experience this gift you must take reasonable chances and not allow anyone or anything to paralyze you with fear.

When you are ready to try again, find someone who is understanding of what you've been through and supportive and respectful of your feelings and limits. Have this person accompany you on short trips, and talk about what the experience felt like afterward. Continue your grief work if necessary. Repeat until your comfort level with driving returns to an acceptable level.

[ Original thread: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090626201010AAtpXtd& ]

He broke up with me, how do I get him back?

Sometimes I hear young women ask this question as if their very lives depend on it.  It is sometimes hard to fully grasp the intensity and strength of the connection between one person and another.  But when rejection comes, it hurts like hell and people are willing to do anything to turn a "no" back into a "yes".  And this is usually a big, big mistake.


---- The Question: ----

Will he ever come back to me?...Im hurt, please help :(...?

okay. i will try to make this short. ive known this guy for 4 years. he has been my best best friend for 2. those 2 years he has always been crazy about me. i never saw him that way. but, i went out with him anyway, 3 times. and 3 times i broke his heart.

well this summer we started dating. we hung out every day, and i got very close to him. i was falling in love with him. he has always told me he loves me too. well i realized the guy for me has been right in front of my face all along. he told me im his one and only. and the only girl for him. he wanted to be together for ever.

but. today, he broke up with me. for a lot of reasons. 1, track. hes busy all the time. 2, he is afraid i will hurt him again. 3. a past girlfriend pressures him into s3x and then dumped him. he was so hurt over that. but i helped him get over it. he still isnt though.he said he is done with dating. hes done with being hurt and hurting people. he wants to be friends. but i cant see him like that now! he is still my best friend, but i see him as so much more than that.

i cant understand why he would change his mind overnight, just last night he told me how in love with me he is. then this morning, everything changed.

i have dated other guys. them, all jerks. he helped me get over all of them by just simply caring about me. and every time i came back to him. and every time he took me back.

i want to wait on him to come around again...but i dont know if he will this time. he was serious about being friends...and not dating anymore. but over the years, im the girl he ALWAYS comes back to.
do you think he will again?
should i wait, or try to move on?
thanks.
im very hurt over this.
and i have already told him i cant see him as a friend anymore. but i will try to be his friend.

---- My Answer: ----

First, condolences on your breakup.  You are obviously hurt and grieving over the loss of – or perhaps major setback in that relationship.

For you, there are two reasons why he broke up with you.  First, there are the reasons he was willing to tell you.   Second, are all the reasons that he kept private.  Try as you might, you will never get more than a partial answer from him about this.

If he is a teenage or young-twenty-something guy, the reasons could range from immaturity to simply wanting to try out another relationship for awhile.  The sudden overnight change could simply be that he wanted to remain intimate with you until he was ready to tell you where his head was at.  Let go, move on, listen to the advice of your closest friends and family for wisdom about what to do next.  Give yourself a cooling period where you don't have to see him.  Don't break it until you feel sure that you are in control of your feelings and won't compromise yourself to him if he decides to “throw you a bone”.

Bottom line here is, you have no control over him.  And really truly, you shouldn't be trying this hard.  A great relationship starts with a great friendship and goes on from there.  If you have real chemistry with Mr Right, no convincing or manipulation will ever be required to keep him interested in you.  

Accept that he is entitled to make this decision for himself.  You also have the same power for yourself.  Yes, the breakup and loss of intimacy with someone that close for that long will be difficult and painful, but it is a growth experience for you, don't be afraid of it.  We all have to go through it sometime or another in our lives.  Also believe this:  His decision is probably not so much about you as about HIM, what HE wants for HIMSELF.  Don't pick up and own shame or guilt over anything that you might have done wrong or differently.  Learn from your experiences, but don't let them shut you down.  Life is meant to be lived with all your heart and soul, and that means you will get hurt and cry with your friends from time to time.

There is not going to be one right answer for you here, life is just too complicated and fluid for certainty about these things.  But there is wisdom out there that you can take solace in.  I hope you find some here.

[ Original thread here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090626175056AAdtZTA&r=w#EMxMOmfKFVrKfduRPHY_ ]

Why is it that women flaunt their chest, then get pissed off when you stare?

Its no secret guys like looking at boobs. So why is it that women get so upset and call you a pervert when they wear really tiny shirts that show them off?

P.S. Something else, women who have implants. They get them, and then want people to appreciate them for their minds? Ha.

---- My answer: ----

We live in a sexually repressed society where publicly showing sexual interest is essentially taboo. We have a mostly Judeo-Christian based moral underpinning in our culture, it provides the baseline of our public morality, whether you are a religious person or not. It may not seem like it the way so many people behave, but that is what's going on here.

Also, girls get power over guys by getting them sexually interested. This is probably biological in origin -- essentially guys are looking for as much sex as possible, gals are looking for the most suitable future fathers for their children. Exploring the differences between the sexes a little more, it can be said that in general, men get what they want through their strength and force of will, women get what they want through manipulation and control of sexual favors.

So what does this all mean? If you don't want to be manipulated, embarrassed and humiliated, try being discreet and polite in public. Compliment the appearance of someone you're interested in, but don't go overboard. Create a little scarcity and desire of your own. Once you are past the first stages of getting to know someone and you have permission to be intimate verbally or otherwise, then -- IN PRIVATE -- you can explore all that she has to offer without feeling guilty and embarrassing her or yourself.

[ Originally posted here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090626100156AAUC7kV ]