He broke up with me, how do I get him back?

Sometimes I hear young women ask this question as if their very lives depend on it.  It is sometimes hard to fully grasp the intensity and strength of the connection between one person and another.  But when rejection comes, it hurts like hell and people are willing to do anything to turn a "no" back into a "yes".  And this is usually a big, big mistake.


---- The Question: ----

Will he ever come back to me?...Im hurt, please help :(...?

okay. i will try to make this short. ive known this guy for 4 years. he has been my best best friend for 2. those 2 years he has always been crazy about me. i never saw him that way. but, i went out with him anyway, 3 times. and 3 times i broke his heart.

well this summer we started dating. we hung out every day, and i got very close to him. i was falling in love with him. he has always told me he loves me too. well i realized the guy for me has been right in front of my face all along. he told me im his one and only. and the only girl for him. he wanted to be together for ever.

but. today, he broke up with me. for a lot of reasons. 1, track. hes busy all the time. 2, he is afraid i will hurt him again. 3. a past girlfriend pressures him into s3x and then dumped him. he was so hurt over that. but i helped him get over it. he still isnt though.he said he is done with dating. hes done with being hurt and hurting people. he wants to be friends. but i cant see him like that now! he is still my best friend, but i see him as so much more than that.

i cant understand why he would change his mind overnight, just last night he told me how in love with me he is. then this morning, everything changed.

i have dated other guys. them, all jerks. he helped me get over all of them by just simply caring about me. and every time i came back to him. and every time he took me back.

i want to wait on him to come around again...but i dont know if he will this time. he was serious about being friends...and not dating anymore. but over the years, im the girl he ALWAYS comes back to.
do you think he will again?
should i wait, or try to move on?
thanks.
im very hurt over this.
and i have already told him i cant see him as a friend anymore. but i will try to be his friend.

---- My Answer: ----

First, condolences on your breakup.  You are obviously hurt and grieving over the loss of – or perhaps major setback in that relationship.

For you, there are two reasons why he broke up with you.  First, there are the reasons he was willing to tell you.   Second, are all the reasons that he kept private.  Try as you might, you will never get more than a partial answer from him about this.

If he is a teenage or young-twenty-something guy, the reasons could range from immaturity to simply wanting to try out another relationship for awhile.  The sudden overnight change could simply be that he wanted to remain intimate with you until he was ready to tell you where his head was at.  Let go, move on, listen to the advice of your closest friends and family for wisdom about what to do next.  Give yourself a cooling period where you don't have to see him.  Don't break it until you feel sure that you are in control of your feelings and won't compromise yourself to him if he decides to “throw you a bone”.

Bottom line here is, you have no control over him.  And really truly, you shouldn't be trying this hard.  A great relationship starts with a great friendship and goes on from there.  If you have real chemistry with Mr Right, no convincing or manipulation will ever be required to keep him interested in you.  

Accept that he is entitled to make this decision for himself.  You also have the same power for yourself.  Yes, the breakup and loss of intimacy with someone that close for that long will be difficult and painful, but it is a growth experience for you, don't be afraid of it.  We all have to go through it sometime or another in our lives.  Also believe this:  His decision is probably not so much about you as about HIM, what HE wants for HIMSELF.  Don't pick up and own shame or guilt over anything that you might have done wrong or differently.  Learn from your experiences, but don't let them shut you down.  Life is meant to be lived with all your heart and soul, and that means you will get hurt and cry with your friends from time to time.

There is not going to be one right answer for you here, life is just too complicated and fluid for certainty about these things.  But there is wisdom out there that you can take solace in.  I hope you find some here.

[ Original thread here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090626175056AAdtZTA&r=w#EMxMOmfKFVrKfduRPHY_ ]