I'm in a deep depression, what do I do?

Existential Crises - Not too many people go to Yahoo Answers for help on this topic .. or do they?

---- The Question: ----

I'm feeling very depressed basically because I recently thought long and hard about my religious belief system and decided to turn away from it. I feel alone, confused, misunderstood by my parents, and miserable. Have you ever been in a deep depression and how did you get out of it?

---- My Answer: ----

Yes, I've had deep depression at one point in my life and thankfully asked for help, probably if I hadn't I would not be here today. It seems like you are going through some kind of existential crisis, since it is related to your belief system. I understand this too, being a formerly-religious person who was raised that way. My best guess is that you are suffering from mild depression as a result of grieving the loss of your "religious" world view and finding yourself in a world without ready-made answers to why you are here, what your purpose in life is, and where you go after you die. Religion supplies answers to all these hard questions, but demands "faith" in return, which in essence means "don't ponder these questions too deeply, we already have the answers here for you". Obviously you and I did not fully buy into that proposition. The best way to finish grieving is to keep talking about how you are feeling. Find a good, non-judgmental friend who can hear you without trying to fix you or offer lots of advice. Hopefully, in time you will transition to the last stage of grieving, which is "acceptance" at which point you will feel a little more comfortable with and accepting of your new reality. Exercise, keeping up a regular routine, and breaking isolation will help this process along too. Above all, don't "medicate" your feelings with unhealthy bad habits, that can lead to addictions, and thus more problems.

I'm in love with her. Married, kids, divorce-all present in this situation...Please don't judge but..what now?

---- The Question: ----

Couple of months...in love, completely. But outside of our love there are complicating circumstances. For one she is married. Unhappily..I mean the guy is absolutely no good as a husband, father.....yes she has 2 beautiful little girls who mean the world to her...and he's not a real father to them. We have to keep our relationship quiet and for good reason. She has a job-and that's to be a single parent in the house. He's just so terrible I won't spend my time on him in this anymore but.....they haven't had contact physically ( none) in 8+years and since we got together not even eating or sleeping next to him...but even before that barely any, he barks not talks....I know I said I wouldn't but....He is mean and separates himself from everything a family is about and well there's more but that's the jist. She has stayed because of the children, she has brought them up in this situation so they could at least have a man (which he is not, the guy complains that he feels like he's 90...his potentially destructive power is not physical though ) around. So we fell in love, now we know each other, and the more we know the more we long to be together because we know that's how it should be. But...well...her sister disapproves of her falling in love, questions her as a mother (which believe me she has no room to talk) (and by the way the woman I love is a wonderful mom), and even goes to thier mother and talks to her ultimately causing an argument between my love and her mom-(who knows of the divorce which is being set up). My love-she feels she is being pulled in all directions (including by me, to start a life together as a family-I will love the girls, how can I not-they make her happy) and says to me she doesn't know what's going to happen. She saw a lawyer who told her it is possible to divorce in 6 months if things go smoothly and there can be joint custody, and she should try to get him out of the house. I feel so terrible that my lover, my friend, my future wife, is emotionally drained. She will not stand for the loss of her children to a man who is crazy and who's whole family is crazy-where they would not be looked after correctly. I know this, what I want to know is....one-how can I encourage and help her with these hard times?, she is being pulled and I don't want that- I want her to be happy, two- if you have ever been even close to what we are going through and came out happily joined how did you do it and what happened? umm..three-what can we do about her mom and sister pulling her back to stay because of the children...her biggest fear is losing them which she can't do. The guy is crazy and she says she knows how to deal with him but when she told him about the divorce he acted like it never happened and started sucking up to her almost mockingly....how can we get rid of him? And any other solutions (please no break up solutions) to the situations would be greatly appreciated. The lawyer said that the divorce could be what we hope for-she has grounds-probable custody-and she has a big reason to go through with it as long as she/we get the girls. What can I do and say to be strong while she makes her moves? All we want is to be together-all of us.It's hard to understand and I don't expect you to. She lives with him and all I know is what she tells me-but I believe her. And the children are his....and I wouldn't put him down in front of them. I know we can't be found out. Her sis found out and caused many problems...we text/call and barely get to see each other even though it's summer. But I forget all that completely when I'm with her. Yeah the thing is she has to get him out "nicely" and play this game (she hated these kind of games) and hope that it will work.

---- My Answer: ----

First, I am sorry to hear about your girl friend's unhappy marriage and your frustration with the situation. But sadly divorce is too often used as the easy but wrong answer for marital unhappiness.

I know what this is all about having lived through a frighteningly similar experience myself, the only significant difference being there were four daughters involved in my case.

You will not be liking what I am about to tell you. But, in a nutshell, you have become a major part of this families' problems.

Instead of this woman making the emotionally healthy choice to seek couples counseling to find out what is troubling her husband and her marriage, she is secretly plotting to end it. Even if her husband has done something unforgivable and she is committed to divorcing him, you are still part of the problem, because by being in her life you are clouding her judgment, giving her an illusion that by divorcing him and marrying you, she and her kids will somehow be happier. The reality is, their future with you is absolutely unknown, because you can't even begin to control all the dynamics of the situation. You are almost completely powerless over most aspects of what would happen if you both begin to travel down that road.

When this woman married her “Mr Wrong” and had two children with him, don't you think that both she and he were in love then? Do you fully accept her one-sided story of the history of their relationship and how terrible and evil her current husband is? Why? Are you not at all skeptical about what her part in it was? Do you have no empathy whatsoever for the husband, or the children whose family you are hoping to break up? Do you seriously believe that it couldn't happen again with you? Do you understand that if there is one truism about human behavior, it is that without counseling people inevitably find themselves stuck repeating unhealthy behaviors over and over again?

I know you love her and she is in love with you. But you do realize that this feeling is not going to last, especially down the road you're contemplating traveling, with all the responsibilities you are about to shoulder. It seems thrilling and challenging at first, but I can assure you, 5 and 10 years down the road, when you feel the ingratitude of her children after pouring your life energy into raising them and helping them, believe me the thrill will be gone.

The worst part about all this is what this says about your own emotional health. Do you believe she and her daughters are somehow victims in all this? Do you fancy yourself their rescuer, their night in shining armor, who will slay the evil beast and take them you your castle to live happily ever after? Sorry for the sarcasm here, but I need to make the most serious of all my points in this bit of advice to you. If you are entertaining these ideas even a little, you have a serious Codependency problem. If you play the rescuer in the Victim Triangle, very soon you will find yourself re-cast in the Persecutor's role. For more information about how this works see www.Mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm

In the end, you will be miserable, angry and resentful for sacrificing yourself and a better possible future to rescue her and her kids. You will pour out your life's energy trying to make the impossible work. Her kids will silently blame you for breaking up their marriage. There is almost no way to avoid this, even if it is not true, and even if it is for their own good in the long run.

My parting advice for you is simple. (1) Break off this affair at once. Wish your girl friend well, but it is her marriage and her family. Let her sort things out without your influence. Perhaps she and he can get counseling and repair and reinvigorate their marriage. If she divorces it shouldn't be because you are waiting in the wings. If she calls you every night for 3 months after the breakup don't talk to her. You are no match for her verbal and manipulative abilities. She will reel you back in if you give her a chance. (2) Find a counselor or psychologist as soon as possible to deal with your Codependency issues, or find a CODA twelve-step program and start attending weekly. I know it is going to hurt like hell to break up with her, but you need to for everyone's sake. Never forget that there are plenty of opportunities for you now and in the future that do not require you to sacrifice yourself and be responsible for the destruction of someone else's marriage. Why would you want to go through the rest of your life with that on your conscience?

[Original Post: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090701170314AAZAcWI ]

A Daughter Loses Her Father to an Untimely Death

Helping another with grieving is some of the hardest work in counseling, because you cannot do it effectively without empathizing and truly feeling the loss of the person you are trying to help. When I wrote the response to the following question, my eyes actually welled up with tears, because I needed to draw on my own experiences of loss to convey an authentic sense of empathy. And for me, I have more than my share of loss to draw upon. Still, I cherish the opportunity to offer comfort to another person going through pain.

---- The Question: ----

I lost my dad a month ago, Im the youngest and the only daughter & I miss him so much. I am still shocked of his untimely death. I'm working abroad and it hurts me so much bec. I was not at his side during his last hours. Is there a way I can communicate with him? I dreamed of my dad only once.

---- My Answer: ----

First of all, so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a father is so hard for a daughter because fathers and daughters have a special bond that really can't be put in words. Its a bond formed of sharing and joining in childhood memories, mutual admiration, of loving and protective feelings. and ultimately of giving and receiving freedom.

Loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things to grieve through. The process is different for each person, but the important thing is to actually DO the grieving. Human beings must process loss, and significant emotional problems arise if this not done.

Take a look at yourself and try to get a sense of where you are in the grieving process. The generally accepted phases are: denial/disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Seems like you may actually still be primarily in the first stage, denial and/or disbelief of his passing. Or perhaps bargaining, since you say that you're looking for a way to communicate with him.

Death will come to everyone alive today, eventually. It is sad to lose people we love, and debate will rage on in perpetuity about questions of spirits, life after death, and the like. But what remains after all this is burned away is the loss. You need to accept the loss, cry with your family members or close friends over it, and let the pain and anguish of that loss roll through you like a big wave. Eventually, the pain will recede, and you will be left with your fond memories of him and some solace that you were a very big part of the joy he had during his time on earth, just as he was for you.

I wish there was a short cut to the grieving process, but so far I haven't heard on one yet. At its core, life is mostly about the welcoming of new people into our lives and saying good-bye to those who must separate from us. Being able to come to terms with this and be at peace with such a fundamental process is one of the keys to peace and wisdom in life.

Source(s):

Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief

[ Original Post: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090628062540AArUAe7 ]

I'm Not Angry, Really I'm Not!

Family dynamics are very complex. When a family member does something wrong, there may be pressure to forgive coming from others without any effort to understand and acknowledge the pain that was caused. This is a recipe for depression or smoldering resentment.

---- The Question: ----

How to make anger come back? I used to be an angry person because of my father, I forgave him and now I don't feel myself, does anybody know how to make anger and the unforgiveness back in my heart , I WANT IT BACK, I DONT FEEL MYSELF WITHOUT ANGER

---- My Answer: ----

A little more background would be helpful, but I'll try to imagine the back-story here. Tell me if I'm close or not.

Your dad did something to you or another family member that was terrible, hurtful, selfish, or uncaring. This hurt you for years but eventually someone came to you (perhaps a religious person) who told you that it was your duty to forgive him. They convinced you and so you publicly forgave him, but deep inside your heart you are still hurt.

Remember that anger is a "cover" emotion. It covers deeper feelings of hurt feelings, fear, grief, trauma, loss, and abandonment.

Perhaps you were talked in to forgiving your dad "for the sake of the family". So you did it to make everyone else happy. What does that say about how your family values you and your feelings? Is it OK for other people to deny your reality and tell you that "you should not be angry anymore?" From your description you sound like you have mild depression based on the fact that you've had to deny your real feelings about your father to get along with the rest of your family.

What you need to do is find a counselor or psychologist and talk about your history. You need to at least find someone impartial who can validate and accept your true feelings. If at some point in the future you decide that you really do want to forgive your father, it should be fully your decision and not something you were pushed into.

A good book on this topic is: The Angry Book, by Theodore Rubin, M.D.

---- Questioner's Follow-up Comment: ----

yes wat u said wuz so true i wuz forced into forgiving him and i wasnt ready , maybe i will get counciling and maybe they will make me feel like my normal angry self

[Original Post: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090627081704AA4XyLZ]

Fear Behind the Wheel

Irrational fear can be devastating and life-altering if left unaddressed. We've all heard stories of people afraid to leave their homes, afraid to get on planes, even afraid to let other people come near them.

Its not uncommon for us to occasionally have irrational fears around things we once found ordinary. Fortunately this is one of the more easily treatable syndromes. But it is important to do the work early. People have a tendancy to reiforce and fortify their arguments against those around them that try to pursuade them that "its all in their head".

---- The Question: ----

How can i get over the fear of being hit by a drunk driver when i'm driving?

---- My Answer: ----

Fear is a natural self-protective emotion that keeps us safe from dangerous situations. Fear of heights keeps you from casually walking along edges of cliffs. Fear of spiders and snakes keeps you from putting yourself in harms way by sticking your hand in dark holes you can't see into.

Fear is also based on past experience. If you were in the past hit by or lost a loved one to a drunk driver, then it is perfectly understandable that you may have developed the kind of fear you are describing, and dread of being back in a vulnerable position behind the wheel on the road.

The best way to overcome fear based on past experience is to 1) finish your grief work around the trauma in the past, and 2) educate yourself about the true statistics and chances of this kind of event happening again.

Once you have cried over, and ultimately accepted the awful truth of the terrible events you experienced around this from your own past, you can look more rationally at the chances of such a thing happening again. In the end, you will probably come to the conclusion that life is a gift, and to fully experience this gift you must take reasonable chances and not allow anyone or anything to paralyze you with fear.

When you are ready to try again, find someone who is understanding of what you've been through and supportive and respectful of your feelings and limits. Have this person accompany you on short trips, and talk about what the experience felt like afterward. Continue your grief work if necessary. Repeat until your comfort level with driving returns to an acceptable level.

[ Original thread: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090626201010AAtpXtd& ]

He broke up with me, how do I get him back?

Sometimes I hear young women ask this question as if their very lives depend on it.  It is sometimes hard to fully grasp the intensity and strength of the connection between one person and another.  But when rejection comes, it hurts like hell and people are willing to do anything to turn a "no" back into a "yes".  And this is usually a big, big mistake.


---- The Question: ----

Will he ever come back to me?...Im hurt, please help :(...?

okay. i will try to make this short. ive known this guy for 4 years. he has been my best best friend for 2. those 2 years he has always been crazy about me. i never saw him that way. but, i went out with him anyway, 3 times. and 3 times i broke his heart.

well this summer we started dating. we hung out every day, and i got very close to him. i was falling in love with him. he has always told me he loves me too. well i realized the guy for me has been right in front of my face all along. he told me im his one and only. and the only girl for him. he wanted to be together for ever.

but. today, he broke up with me. for a lot of reasons. 1, track. hes busy all the time. 2, he is afraid i will hurt him again. 3. a past girlfriend pressures him into s3x and then dumped him. he was so hurt over that. but i helped him get over it. he still isnt though.he said he is done with dating. hes done with being hurt and hurting people. he wants to be friends. but i cant see him like that now! he is still my best friend, but i see him as so much more than that.

i cant understand why he would change his mind overnight, just last night he told me how in love with me he is. then this morning, everything changed.

i have dated other guys. them, all jerks. he helped me get over all of them by just simply caring about me. and every time i came back to him. and every time he took me back.

i want to wait on him to come around again...but i dont know if he will this time. he was serious about being friends...and not dating anymore. but over the years, im the girl he ALWAYS comes back to.
do you think he will again?
should i wait, or try to move on?
thanks.
im very hurt over this.
and i have already told him i cant see him as a friend anymore. but i will try to be his friend.

---- My Answer: ----

First, condolences on your breakup.  You are obviously hurt and grieving over the loss of – or perhaps major setback in that relationship.

For you, there are two reasons why he broke up with you.  First, there are the reasons he was willing to tell you.   Second, are all the reasons that he kept private.  Try as you might, you will never get more than a partial answer from him about this.

If he is a teenage or young-twenty-something guy, the reasons could range from immaturity to simply wanting to try out another relationship for awhile.  The sudden overnight change could simply be that he wanted to remain intimate with you until he was ready to tell you where his head was at.  Let go, move on, listen to the advice of your closest friends and family for wisdom about what to do next.  Give yourself a cooling period where you don't have to see him.  Don't break it until you feel sure that you are in control of your feelings and won't compromise yourself to him if he decides to “throw you a bone”.

Bottom line here is, you have no control over him.  And really truly, you shouldn't be trying this hard.  A great relationship starts with a great friendship and goes on from there.  If you have real chemistry with Mr Right, no convincing or manipulation will ever be required to keep him interested in you.  

Accept that he is entitled to make this decision for himself.  You also have the same power for yourself.  Yes, the breakup and loss of intimacy with someone that close for that long will be difficult and painful, but it is a growth experience for you, don't be afraid of it.  We all have to go through it sometime or another in our lives.  Also believe this:  His decision is probably not so much about you as about HIM, what HE wants for HIMSELF.  Don't pick up and own shame or guilt over anything that you might have done wrong or differently.  Learn from your experiences, but don't let them shut you down.  Life is meant to be lived with all your heart and soul, and that means you will get hurt and cry with your friends from time to time.

There is not going to be one right answer for you here, life is just too complicated and fluid for certainty about these things.  But there is wisdom out there that you can take solace in.  I hope you find some here.

[ Original thread here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090626175056AAdtZTA&r=w#EMxMOmfKFVrKfduRPHY_ ]

Why is it that women flaunt their chest, then get pissed off when you stare?

Its no secret guys like looking at boobs. So why is it that women get so upset and call you a pervert when they wear really tiny shirts that show them off?

P.S. Something else, women who have implants. They get them, and then want people to appreciate them for their minds? Ha.

---- My answer: ----

We live in a sexually repressed society where publicly showing sexual interest is essentially taboo. We have a mostly Judeo-Christian based moral underpinning in our culture, it provides the baseline of our public morality, whether you are a religious person or not. It may not seem like it the way so many people behave, but that is what's going on here.

Also, girls get power over guys by getting them sexually interested. This is probably biological in origin -- essentially guys are looking for as much sex as possible, gals are looking for the most suitable future fathers for their children. Exploring the differences between the sexes a little more, it can be said that in general, men get what they want through their strength and force of will, women get what they want through manipulation and control of sexual favors.

So what does this all mean? If you don't want to be manipulated, embarrassed and humiliated, try being discreet and polite in public. Compliment the appearance of someone you're interested in, but don't go overboard. Create a little scarcity and desire of your own. Once you are past the first stages of getting to know someone and you have permission to be intimate verbally or otherwise, then -- IN PRIVATE -- you can explore all that she has to offer without feeling guilty and embarrassing her or yourself.

[ Originally posted here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090626100156AAUC7kV ]